“Healing is Violent” is very much my life these days

I have been doing an intense amount of processing, healing and uncovering these last two years (ever since I stopped living with my elderly mom, where I had been for 9 and 1/2 years; she subsequently died about 5 months after we parted), moved to Seattle and started working with an amazing acupuncturist (email me or leave a comment asking for that referral!). It’s the first time in my entire life that I have had so little responsibility (retired and not caregiving anyone), such good physical health (gall bladder and uterus both gone, nerve-damaged leg mostly okay, other injuries not bothering me terribly), and time to work on the somaticizing (“Somaticizing or somatization is the conversion of psychological distress, such as anxiety, depression, or stress, into physical symptoms”) and psychological, interpersonal and psychosocial effects imprinted from multiple traumas incurred during my childhood and my young adult years.

For those of you who follow my blog or who knows about them, I scored a 9.5/10 on the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) inventory (See: https://sallyember.com/2017/09/07/1-out-of-every-8-usa-adults-has-4-or-more-aces-adverse-childhood-experiences/ ). That means, in simple terms, I have a SHIT TON of trauma to unpack, examine, release, move on from.

Sure, many people have had and do have worse experiences and still suffer more than I do. I am very sorry for that and understand where I and my experiences fit in to the panoply of suffering in the world (somewhere in the low middle, I imagine). However, that doesn’t negate what I have endured and continue to be negatively affected by.

Therefore, I do endeavor to do the inner and outer “work” in order to live better, be more healthy, and be of more benefit before I die (I’m 71; no one knows how long I have left to live). I offer this post and my ruminations in case my experiences and ideas might support and encourage anyone else to keep going and do the healing work required to live better. Every little bit could help.

While cruising through Facebook and Instagram, I found the following ideas and quotes in several posts. The truth in them caught me by surprise, made me cry (multiple sources and versions; here are two, below), and I have shared them with friends and family ever since. So, here you go:

“Healing isn’t soft. It’s violent, in the most awakening way. Because nothing shatters you quite like realizing your entire personality was built on survival, that your calm was actually emotional numbness, that your strength and independence were born from having no one to lean on, that your high standards were fear, dressed up as control. 
“Healing is the grief no one talks about: mourning the version of you who did whatever it took just to feel safe, the you who adapted, endured, and stayed standing when no one came to help.
“And the hardest part? Loving yourself enough to release that version of you, to thank them…and let them rest.
“That’s when it all finally made sense.”

and,

“‘Healing is violent’ describes the painful, disruptive process of dismantling old survival mechanisms, ego structures, and traumatic patterns to create space for growth.
“It is ‘violent’ because it forces a confrontation with uncomfortable truths, causing intense emotional release, grief, and the destruction of the person you once were to survive. 
“Key aspects of this concept include:

• Dismantling Identity: Healing forces you to realize that many personality traits or behaviors were actually trauma responses, such as perfectionism, hyper-independence, or suppression.
• Emotional Turmoil: The process involves intense ‘violent’ emotions, including deep rage, grief, and profound sadness as you process past experiences.
• Physical and Mental Release: As the body and mind release stored trauma, it can manifest as extreme fatigue, anxiety, and disorienting discomfort.
• Destroying the Old Self: It requires letting go of the coping mechanisms that once kept you safe, which can feel terrifying and destabilizing. 

“This perspective challenges the idea that healing is a soft, gentle, ‘feel-good’ experience, emphasizing that true recovery requires breaking down before building back up.”

There is so much turmoil, awful events and governmental cock-ups going on here in the USA and globally that it seems petty and small to be talking about one person’s healing work. However, do you really think ANY of these situations would be occurring if the leaders and architects of them weren’t also victims of trauma and many ACEs themselves?

Unresolved trauma paralyzes and motivates people alternately, causing them to wreak havoc on themselves and EVERYONE around them, especially if they are mistakenly provided with the ability to affect many people, hoard and utilize resources, and marshal political power.

That is what we are witnessing and enduring every day here in the USA: very screwed-up people with too much power and too many weapons, given too much leeway. So, they are making many others miserable, ruining the environment, and destroying everything in their wakes.

As a Buddhist, I can have compassion for them, seeing their horrible choices and the extremely negative karma they are accumulating, WHILE condemning them all, and wishing I/we could stop them from doing more damage. As a feminist, Jewish, pansexual, partly disabled, very low-income senior, dependent on governmental services and funding to survive, I am terrified for myself and many others as things get worse all around me with more awfulness seeming to be closing in on us all.

“Think globally, act locally” must be our guide these days. Write letters, send emails, go to protests, support political leaders who aren’t as screwed up as the rest, be active and vocal about your wishes for everything to improve and the madness to stop.

Listen to and talk with friends on the journey. Support each other.

AND, do your own healing, as you are able. Got to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on others. Can’t save anyone if you drown first. Etc.

It can only make us more likely to be effective in whatever ways we attempt to be helpful if we aren’t still hauling around all the after-effects of our own personal trauma.

Notice, as we try to engage with others to stop the current administration and others from ruining our country and killing/harming more of us, how we are doing that. If we are inadvertently making it worse, STOP and regroup. It doesn’t help anyone if we spread more hate, anger or violence.

But, we can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs…. Change can hurt.

Do your own recovery work, and don’t expect it to feel “good.” Healing is violent.

If you like to sing, join a local nonviolent, activist group, Singing Resistance, near you (there are now hundreds of them around the country and world!): “Singing resistance groups, such as the Minneapolis-based Singing Resistance and the NYC-based Resistance Revival Chorus, use choral music, protest songs, and communal singing to challenge injustice, fight authoritarianism, and support social causes. These movements, often born from grief and, utilize nonviolent, high-visibility actions to foster solidarity.” Check them out: Singers (@singingresistance) • Instagram photos and videos and search for them locally on Facebook. They use the Signal mobile app for communication, and you have to ask to join. They are being careful, as you should, also.

If you like to protest, make signs, march, etc., find a local group to join or form your own. https://www.womensmarchfoundation.org/stopice# Today is International Women’s Day (March 8), so it seems fitting to base your activism here. This site has a lot to offer, and a state-by-state listing (scroll down).

If you need help, support, ideas for healing, there are multiple sources locally and online to check out. Here are some: https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma

Here is a great site with info on C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) and more, from Scotland: https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/ptsd-and-cptsd-self-help-guide/

Best to you all. Keep on swimming.