15 #Fiction #Promos that should be Revised or Trashed Completely

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15 #Fiction #Promos that should be Revised or Trashed Completely

I’ve read so many of these that I really can’t tell which ones are funny because they’re amusing or funny because they’re awful. Your comments welcomed!

All responsibility for the grammar, spelling, usage, punctuation and syntax mistakes belong to the authors and editors of the following promos.
Just consider each one to be followed by a [sic]

    15. “Destiny is written in the stars? Maybe, but when you’re in a black hole you make your own damn destiny.”

    14. “Even the most powerful tracers can’t track you if the magical trace you leave behind is too old. But I can track almost anything, even dead trace. That makes me a unicorn, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Loch Ness Monster all rolled into one. In a word, I am unique. A very special snowflake. And if anyone ever finds out, I’ll be dead or a slave to one of the xxx criminal factions.”

    13. “xxx had to admit—getting kidnapped wasn’t something she’d expected. Discovering her kidnappers were aliens who planned on selling her into sexual slavery, definitely tipped the scales into the truly bizarre. But she’s determined to fight her way through this–—until their slave ship is attacked, and xxx’s faced with an entirely new problem.”

    12. “Can the xxx rally enough force to defeat the xxx warlord? Are they outmatched?”

    11. “…an uncompromising adventure story about what it truly means to be human….Featuring complex characters and edge-of-your-seat action sequences, xxx will have readers guessing until the last page.”

    10. “A great memoir about abuse, love, and dogs.”

    9. “Very scary murder mystery about Riverdale New York. You’ll never do laundry again!” 

    8. “The baseness of his greed and the evil at his core is like a black oily pit centered around his body where his soul should be…”

    7. “A triumphant intermingling of the sci-fi and mystery genres. Dog lovers will swoon over the dogs.”

    'Don't worry, I'm just here to promote my book.'

    image from http://www.cartoonstock.com

    6. “If I could have put a noose around his neck, it would have been better.”

    5. “Witchcraft, Spirit Possession, Sibling Rivalry and A Hot Vampire Viking!!!”

    4. “The answer is in Nature and it requires eating it, not destroying it.”

    3. “Even if you’ve never played an RPG, or killed a guy with an axe, you’ll probably enjoy these books.”

    2. “An eyeless body. A menacing stranger. And a tangled mystery. It’s the summer of 1923 and two cousins hunting for hidden gold stumble on an decayed body.”

    Argghh

    image from http://www.thetoddanderinfavoritefive.com

    Finally, my absolute favorite:

    1. This is not the best-written book in the world. It’s not even close. To be quite honest, referring to it as a ‘book’ is something even I haven’t quite got accustomed to yet. If you read it, good luck to you. You’ll need it. Sometimes I think parts of it must have been written by monkeys or something, but then I feel sorry to the monkeys for suggesting that they’d write such drivel, and I go and bake them a cake to make up for it. But this is beside the point. Not just because the monkeys have no idea why I’m bringing them cake.