As a lifetime educator and someone who believes in being an autodidact as well as a formal student, having earned three degrees and many certificates, I could easily imagine myself taking a class or two some time in the future.

The Cognitive Rehabilitation therapist I worked with recently in my now more than year-long journey recovering from Post-Concussion Syndrome mentioned some research that indicated that the surest and fastest way to rebuild brain functions and regain memory is to learn something new.

Great! I love learning!

image from http://slworkshop.net

So, I perused the local listings for free or inexpensive classes, since I’m not economically able to fund expensive classes right now. Mostly, the offerings made me shake my head and laugh, which inspired me to write this post.

#Classes I won’t be taking any time soon or at all

• “Concealed Carry (CCW) Class”
  “Complete the Missouri or Florida concealed carry permit training requirements in 1 day for only $90! This price includes EVERYTHING from course materials, gun rental, ammunition and range time. There are no extra charges!”

  As a nonviolent, anti-NRA, anti-guns, Buddhist meditator, I can say with certainty that this tops the list of classes I will NEVER take.

• “Learn the Secrets of Lasting Happiness and Success”
  “In less than 4 hours, you will learn how to become the person you want to be in the place you want to be. Enter your details below and Circles University will email you an exclusive coupon to access this $149 course ABSOLUTELY FREE when it launches. Don’t miss this exclusive early bird offer available for a strictly limited time.”

  I actually went to the Circles University website just to see what it offered.

  Oh, my goodness. Egregiously New Age and otherwise misleading and awful stuff, there.

  PASS.

• “Deeper meaning of Zohar”
  “Free Zohar ‘Crash Course.’ Book of Radience, Zohar. If you’re interested in The Zohar and everything it has to offer at a deeper level, we recommend starting with a beginner course in the fundamentals of Kabbalah. Courses are free, and are available for self-study and as live video classes.”

  I was born and raised Jewish but we never even talked about the Kaballah. The first time I heard about it was when I was in my thirties. I was friends with a former Catholic almost-nun (postulate who left the convent). She was interested in Jewish mysticism and thought to ask me about it. I stumbled and responded: “There is Jewish mysticism?”

  Soon, I was hearing about Hollywood and other celebs adopting/studying Jewish mysticism: it was competing with yoga as the new spiritual fad for a while. That really turned me off.

  Still turned off. Plus, Adam Sandler make a movie that used almost the name as “Zohar” (“Zohan”) for his weird character.

  Enough said.

  No, thanks.

• “Friday Night Bible Study + FREE Dinner”
  “What we do: Start with dinner, sing songs, Bible study/discussions & end with dessert/ice cream. Who can come: All students & singles below the age of 30.”

  Even more than I dislike Jewish mystical subjects would be how much I despise the Bible, especially the “New Testament.” Can’t think of many things I’d rather NOT study, but add the Koran and the Bhagavad-Gita to round out the list of topics of study about which I am NOT spending any of my time learning.

  Luckily, for this one, I’m way too old. LOL.

• “Interested in a Mary Kay skin class” [sic]
  “I am selling Mary Kay
  “And I need 10 women or men too book a skin care class with me and learn something new about your skin [sic]
  “FREE
  “FUN
  “I can come too you or you can come too me [sic]
  “Also looking for people who are interested in learning about Mary Kay and becoming your own boss” [sic]

  I wish this woman would commit to taking an English class. I would tutor her for free. I would.

  I also hate everything to do with make-up (unless it’s for clowns, Hallowe’en, theater or movies), both using it and the entire industry that creates, researches, sells and supports make-up, so I’m clearly not her target audience.

  I kept looking.

  
  image from http://iusphcareers.wordpress.com

• “Make Glass Beads and Ornaments”
  “Learn the art of glass bead making [sic] or ornament production with individualized one on one classes [sic]. All supplies and materials included. You will be able to take home beads or ornaments from your first lesson on. $35 per hour. 18 and over only.”

  I like arts and crafts. I like glass. I’m clumsy and lack talent, but, hey: they didn’t stipulate to needing talent or grace.

  However, I don’t celebrate Christmas or have any use for ornaments, and I can’t think of more than one use I’d put glass beads to: as the filler in a vase, which I rarely use since I am not a fan of cut (dead) flowers.

  Skipping this class, too, although I’d love to know why one has to be over 18 to enroll: can this class possibly be X-rated???

• “Bartending: a recession-proof career”
  “Whether you are looking to supplement your income or as a career change, bartending is a recession-proof career where you will meet new people, have lots of fun, and earn great money!

  “The Bartending Institute has been placing people behind bars since 1979.”

  While I appreciate the last pun and the unintentional truth-telling that surely is behind it, gotta say I hate the entire concept of selling, drinking or purveying alcohol. Always have.

  Even more, I intensely dislike being around people who are getting increasingly intoxicated, especially men. This aversion to being in the presence of imbibing leads to my dislike of weddings, wakes, graduation parties, office parties and most other mainstream gatherings.

  Sigh.

  Bartending is not something I will ever learn.

• “Become a GravOxy Fitness-Certified Rebounceologist“

  I had never heard of any of this, but the jargon intrigued me and made me laugh. Also, sparked many questions:

  —Why is it “re”bounce and “re”bound?
  —What are they bouncing and bounding on FIRST?
  —Why is the certification to become a rebounce”ologist,” which means someone who studies “rebouncing,” rather than having finishers become certified teachers of “rebouncing”?

  I clicked on the listing.

  Oh, my.

  I provide, below, the definitions they offered: priceless. I especially like the capitalization choices and their claims of what constitutes a “science.”

  (By the way, aren’t gravity and evolution still listed as “theories”?)

  “‘Rebouncing uses acceleration, deceleration and gravity to strengthen
  every one of your cells simultaneously in a vertical plane. You cleanse your
  lymphatic system and triple your white blood cells in 2 minutes. No other
  fitness class embraces this energy! [“embraces this energy“?]

  ‘Rebouncing offers an extensive range of health benefits that cannot be
  found in any other form of exercise. Rebouncing is also a comfortable and
  an engaging wellness option for children, seniors, special populations and
  sedentary individuals. However, not all Rebouncing techniques, or
  rebouncers (aka ‘rebounders‘) are equal and, unfortunately, there is a lack
  of instructor education. [What? Not all participants in the classes to become certified are equal, or not all who come to classes on rebouncing are equal? What group of people would be “equal”?]

  ‘GravOxy Rebouncing is unique in that it incorporates the sciences of Gravity
  and Oxygen to maximize the effectiveness of workouts in a safe manner. Just
  as importantly, GravOxy Rebouncing can be used by any individual (from
  athletes to seniors), no matter the age or conditioning level.’ [What happened to the inequality concern?“]

  “Tuition for the certification is $450, which includes the instruction, all course materials and the complimentary use of a PROFESSIONAL-GRADE BELLICON REBOUNDER….”

  I went to their website to get a look at what this REBOUNDER actually looks like.
  

  
  image from http://gravoxyfitness.com/gravoxy-fitness-platforms/

  Oh, no. That is NOT happening. Jumping on a tiny trampoline? Seriously? Not with MY body karma.

  No, thanks.

That’s my current list.

So far, so bad.

I will keep looking, but I’m not optimistic.

Am I too picky, am I not the target demographic (for ANYTHING?), or am I living in the wrong place? What about a MOOC [Massive Open Online Course]?

To be researched further…

image from http://buckslib.org